


My Delusions Keep Me

by Story_teller_76



Category: J2 - Fandom
Genre: Bottom Jared, Bottom Jensen, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Instability, Multi, Other, RPF, Sexual Content, Top Jared, Top Jensen, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-05-22 15:45:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6085494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Story_teller_76/pseuds/Story_teller_76
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki after so many years of feeling secretly about each other, have gotten together. While it's everything they both have ever wanted, Jared and Jensen realize nothing is ever all roses when they are trying to make their relationship work. Jared begins to show signs that his reality isn't on as stable ground as he thinks. Jensen must find a way to bring him out, bring him peace, or die trying....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What The?

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE!!!! This is my first stab at writing J2 fic, and I am open to constructive criticism, but don't induce hate. I am working on this story, and if its well received I will look to add to the completed work. I appreciate you taking the time to check my work out.  
> ***PLEASE NOTE: This story deals with mental instability of the characters, and if certain triggers cause you discomfort, or other displeasing things, this story may not be for you. I can say, if you give it half a shot, you may find the power of love can light the darkest of places.

Sometimes, he wished that they had more equality when it came to their lovemaking and sex life. It wasn’t like he was a caged animal and was going to ravage his lover’s ass. All he wanted was to know the sweetness of his length inside the gorgeous ass of his soul mate

From the glorious moment that he was able to act on his feelings, to Jensen acting on his in return, Jared wasn't aching with the need, he wasn't sacrificing his sanity to please everyone else. He knew Jensen. Jared had felt so much...the heartache of the lies, betrayals and countless wrongs since that day. He was on the receiving end. By all means, his lover left him a squirming, babbling, pleading mess; he was begging for release no matter the method, he wanted to do more of the giving. Being in charge of what happened, to be the dominant one… How would he manage that? There were those few precious times he was able to take his loves ass just the way he wanted. After a long day of shooting, times where it hit too close to home and losing each other, that sweet man let him lead, but it didn’t happen as much as he wanted. He was looking to change that and change Jensen’s mind.

Jared thought he saw something move out of the corner of his eye, but when he checked around in an attempt to locate it, it was gone. Hell, come to think of it, he might not have seen it at all. Coming back to his thoughts, wondering with a small smirk, of how after ten years, could Jensen still have this affect on him.

Not in a million years, would Jared have believed in soul mates. Yet when he met him on the screen test in the WB Studios so many years ago, Jared saw a man, silent, but commanding, a man who spoke more with his silence than the spoken word, along with someone he saw that he could take a chance on forever. Jared smiles while remembering, it's a feeling that still rages inside each time he sees Jensen. The ringing of his cell phone brings him back to the moment, clearing the fog of his earlier thoughts. A look to the Caller ID registered Jensen’s name.

Picking the phone up, and answering after the second ring, “Hey, just thinking about you.” Jared admitted.

“Oh yeah? Thinking about what I’m gonna do to you once I get my hands on you and that scrumptious ass of yours?” Jensen teased, and speaking in a low sexual growl.

Jared shifting uncomfortably, trying not to give in to the hardening of his cock, while listening to Jensen’s growl into his ear. Jared had always melted when Jensen would talk nasty and dirty to him on the phone and that all too familiar aches in his balls that couldn’t be sated without help.

“Well yes and no.” Jared answered back while trying to alleviate the growing bulge in his pants.  
“Ok….you willing to elaborate on that?” Jensen questioned, in a tone that sounded between unsure and a little scared.

“Well, I’ve been thinking, about you and I, and our lovely ride down “Rocky Road” I want more top time, Jen.”

Jared's voice was almost pleading as he worked his way through the last of his words.

“We have already talked about thi….” Jensen answered, but Jared cutting him off.

“No. I ask, you get uncomfortable, walk out, and the conversation was over. The only time you let anything like that happen is if you and I are really drained from a really bad day or emotional time shooting. It always seems rushed and just something to calm our nerves.”

“Yes, that’s true, but, I’m just not that person Jar.”

“You can be, you have let me in the past, and I’m not asking for much here…”

“Yes you are Jare, I can’t do this.”

“Neither can I.” due to his frustration, Jared hung up the phone without a response from Jensen.

Jared doesn’t like fighting with anyone, especially Jensen. _I can’t keep doing this._ Jared thought, feeling tears falling down his face.

“I really am the girl in this fucking relationship.” Jared muttered to himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Jensen argue about a touchy subject

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuing on, with grabbing a look at their feelings

Jared jumps because he never realized he still had his phone in his hand. Caller ID let him know it was Jensen. _Probably calling back to yell or guilt me into whatever the hell it is he wants._ Jared thought angrily. Instead of picking the call up, Jared hit the IGNORE button on the phone and threw it on the leather couch, it landing with a plopping sound.

 _Why does he get me this riled up? Why do I always get this way?_ Trying to calm his nerves and to sate his nervousness, Jared runs his hands through his hair. _I let him, that’s why. I’m not gonna let him win this one, no matter what he says_ Jared scolded to himself.

Jared hears his phone ringing and vibrating on his couch, suspecting it’s Jensen, walks over and picks up the call, “What?”

“What? Nothing like the standard hello? Jensen asks.

“I know it’s you, and I’m not really in the mood to exchange pleasantries.”

“Wow, somebody rolled off the wrong side…..Jensen started to say but was cut off.

“Drop it, what do you want? I have shit to do today.” Jared snaps back.

In his best Dean impression, “You know what? Stop acting like a bitch!” Jensen growls.

“Im not acting like a bitch, I’m pissed you asshole.” Jared growled back, also hearing Jensen’s take in a sharp breath.

“Jared, what did you mean when you said ‘Neither can I’” Jensen asks.

“What did it mean to you? It’s not rocket science, and Im not that hard to figure out.”  
“This isn’t right, I’m not gonna play detective with you Jar, Im coming over in twenty minutes.”  
“If I’m here.” Jared mutters, resigning himself in his misery, hangs up his phone before Jensen can respond. _Am I seriously considering letting him go? I’m so lost, where would I begin?_ The finality in his thoughts makes Jared’s breath catch and the threat of crying remains close to him.

Even though the time that passes was close to fifteen minutes, it felt more like 30 seconds, Jared hears a banging at the door. It becomes more incessant and the banging becomes louder. To make it stop, Jared reaches the doorknob, pulling it open and starts to say something.

“What the?” While inspecting who his guest is, the figure wearing faded jeans that are ripped in all the right places, hanging loosely on his hips and a obliviously very worn BATMAN shirt, Jensen stands in front of Jared, panting. Jared silently admiring Jensen standing in front of him, looking him up and down quickly while he's leaning on the wooden door frame.

“Don’t you ever hang up on me again! Jensen rasped. Still breathing heavily, “I’m not some teenage boyfriend who you can fuck around with!”

“Funny, neither am I, you prick!” Jared shot back.

Still unsure of where all of this is coming from, hoping to get rid of the cobwebs that had been making their way into his thoughts, Jensen shakes his head, “What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Talking. About Jared?”

“You talk a great game you know that? As long as everything is going YOUR way! As long as you are the one pulling my hair, smacking my ass, as long as I’m your bitch, and doing…whatever…you…say.” Jared’s voice cracking with the last few words he spoke.

“Why are you saying this Jared? Are you alright? Is there something wrong?” Jensen asked, voice lowering into a whisper. Jensen moves closer to Jared to cup his chin.

“Want...So...Much...More..." Jared replied just above a whisper. His head slightly falling into Jensen’s hand in surrender, framing Jared’s face. Jared sighed, relishing in the touch of Jensen and what it does to him. Jensen takes this acceptance to bring his other hand to completely cup Jared’s face while searching for answers.


	3. Kisses and Such

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still here, thank you for sticking with me :)

“Baby, please tell me what’s going on, what it is that has you so upset.” Jensen closing his eyes while pleading for answers.

“Jen, I…just…want, I…I…I want more.”

“Ok honey, tell me, what do you want?” Jensen asked almost pleading in a sultry voice.

As usual, whenever Jensen spoke in that wanting, yearning voice, it did things to Jared. His stomach flipped, his heartbeat picks up, and his pants become tighter in that all too familiar spot. He wanted, all hes ever wanted was for this to never end. Jensen noticed the difference in Jared pants too. Seizing the opportunity, Jensen ran his hands down Jared’s arms. Loving the beautiful lines and the definition of Jared’s huge frame. Even though Jensen had no complaints in the body department, Jensen sometimes envied how completely perfect Jared’s upper body was. His envy was sentimental in a way, because Jensen knew Jared’s heart was his and he was able to see Jared in a way no one on the outside ever could. Jensen continued his playful but sensual hand traces from Jared’s upper body to rest on the top of his jeans, and itching the top rim of his SAXX boxers. Without realizing it, Jared’s hips bucked upwards. Jensen loved how Jared responded to him; Lock and key, one fits the other. Yet something is different today. It’s still his Jared, but there is a darkness that covers his eyes that Jensen has never seen before, and it’s frightening him.

Jared turned his face as Jensen leaned in to kiss him. Jensen’s hands fell away. Jared felt as if the world as he knew it was over.

“I’m…I need…more…Jared pleaded almost resigning himself to something unknown. Jensen didn’t know if Jared was talking to him or to himself.

“JARED!! TALK TO ME!!’Jensen screamed, taking Jared’s massive shoulders and shook him.

“I love you, _Dean_.” Jared said grabbing Jensen’s face and moving his tongue to trace Jensen’s lips before parting them and taking him into a kiss that seemed to span both time and space. Jensen stood helpless as Jared’s kiss took him to an all too familiar physical place, but feeling the longing that he’s never known before.

This wasn’t right; Jared called me “Dean”, we aren’t on set, we aren’t rehearsing, nothing. Why is this happening? Why is he calling me that? Jensen thought between Jared’s tongue working beautiful magic and taking away every coherent thought Jensen had at the moment. He feels so good, and right now, I’m ok with that. Only by sheer will was Jensen able to come back from his cloud of pleasure. I know what I heard, and, I can’t let this go. Jensen scolded himself, and pulls away. It felt almost painful at the chill he felt when he pulled away from the heat that was Jared’s lips. Without realizing, Jensen closes his eyes in the hope that the dull ache would go away. Lost in his thoughts, Jensen felt as if his heart was really breaking in two and feeling the muscle tear away. Jensen managed to open his eyes and look at Jared.  
“Why are you…? Where are you…?” Jared asked sheepishly, but his discomfort of Jensen pulling away from their kiss clearly showing in his features.

“Um, well, as much as I love kissing you Jar, you called me Dean.” Jensen replied, his features clearly showing he wasn’t kidding.

“Huh? What are you talking about? I’m happy to go back to…” Jared said while attempting to lean in and kiss Jensen again, but Jensen turned his face to the side; avoiding Jared’s advances.

“What the? Why are you doing this? Jared asked with a note of pleading in his voice.

“ I’m not doing anything, dude, you called me Dean. That’s my char…” Jensen reasoned but Jared waving his hand, and cut Jensen off.

“I know who Dean is. I’m not nuts, and I didn’t call you Dean. That’s just creepy in every sense!” Jared shot back.

“I know what I heard, and you said it. There’s no mistaking it. Jensen and Dean sound way different Jare.” Jensen said.

“Are you picking a fight with me Jensen?” Jared asked, tears threatening to spill.

“Hey, wait a minute. I came over here because you were being cryptic, hanging up on me, and saying some crazy assed shit. I asked you what you meant and I’m the one picking a fight here?” Jensen replied and becoming more upset as the words passed through his lips.

“And I called to talk about possibly changing some things. I asked you about sometimes you, well doing, well, things.” Jared added, “And you said, “I can’t do thissss..” Jensen cutting Jared off before he could continue anymore.

“I was on the phone; don’t you think that maybe just for a second, I might have wanted to talk about it…..privately, with you, face to face?” Jensen reiterating his thoughts by moving his hand back and forth between himself and Jared.  
“Alright, here I am, face to face with you, and by the looks of it, we can talk privately, between us.” Jared answered, mimicking Jensen’s hand movements from before.

Jensen started to respond, but stopped as he looked at Jared looking so heartbroken, and beautiful that he unconsciously started placing his hands on Jared’s sculpted chest. Jensen’s fingers drawing, tracing each muscle, his breath coming more rapidly now, and feeling Jared’s magnetic pull. “I want…you, I want you now in every way possible Jare, and take me away from all this weight.” Jensen pleaded, fingers still lingering, caressing the indentation between Jared’s pecs and his ribs. Jensen continued his seductive tracing of Jared’s upper body as his fingers found his collarbone and the pulsing V-groove of his neck. Jensen tried to calm himself down but found himself more and more aroused. He realized that he didn’t want those gorgeous parts of Jared’s body just on his fingers; he needed to take them into his mouth.

Jared was awestruck and never realized that these places on his chest were so sensitive, and Jensen’s almost entrancing whisper like touches coupled with his lip techniques were setting him on fire. Jared had no way of putting this fire out, and frankly he didn’t want to. Jared found he could move his hands only to take control of Jensen’s shirt, he pulled Jensen within centimeters of his face. This need to overpower, to be consumed was all Jared and Jensen could understand at this moment. Their breathing felt tangible, so rapid, so wanted, the two men seem to see and feel the air move. The air moved along in tune with them.  
“I want…”Jared panted.  
“I need…” Jensen responded

“This cant…” Jared wanted to stop but the yearning, Jensen’s intoxicating scent, and Jared’s own vices and desires were winning this fight before it even started. Jared took in everything that was Jensen, everything else didn’t matter and all but disappeared.

Jensen took his hand and raised it to Jared’s face and traced the strong clenched jaw, which by now, was slick with sweat. Jensen slowly lowered his thumb, glancing at it and seeing the sweat dripping from the digit. Feeling like a dehydrated victim in need of water, Jensen knew he needed to know the taste of Jared at that moment. No matter how he got it, he knew there was no stopping it. Jensen rammed his thumb into his mouth, eyes fluttering closed, while he relished in the salty aftertaste.


	4. Some Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emotions running high, the guys are still...

Jared through some unknown skill managed to unbutton Jensen’s jeans while Jensen was savoring his thumb and Jared’s sweat erotically in his mouth. Jensen removed his thumb from his mouth along with a gentle popping sound as Jensen brought it completely out. Jared wasted no time and when Jensen’s thumb was away from his mouth, Jared frantically found Jensen’s mouth with his. Jared shoved his tongue through Jensen’s lips, parting them, finding his tongue, and performing a mating dance that only Jensen knew the moves to. As their kiss slowed Jensen started to speak erotically, “ You want me? You want me to take you, claim you, make you my prisoner, and plead to let you come?” Jared, whether he wanted to or not, involuntarily bucked his hips forward with an “UMPH!” moan escaping his lips.

“I thought so, my little bitch, I know you want this big cock in your ass hitting that sweet, sweet spot made just for me. “ Jensen rasped in a sultry voice.

Jensen immediately noticed the change in Jared. Jared at once became rigid and his hand fell away from Jensen’s face. Jensen searching Jared’s face for some sort of explanation, but not getting one. “What’s going on, Jar?” Jensen asked obviously confused at the sudden lack of warmth he had a moment ago.

“As usual, you think sex will shut me up, and I’ll do whatever you say?” Jared asked, no playfulness in his voice.  
Jensen felt as if he walked straight into a wall. “Jared are you on something? I’m talking to you, the way I always do. Talking dirty just the way you like…Jensen asked but unable to finish before Jared cutting him off once again.

“The way I like it? THE WAY I LIKE IT?” Jared bellowed at Jensen, who never really heard Jared this angry before, involuntarily taking a step back. Jensen stood, dumbfounded at the sudden rage that pierced at him through those beautiful hazel eyes Jared possessed.

“This is what I’m talking about. Jared began. In the beginning, when we were learning each other. It was such a turnon to be dominated that way. Feeling your touch that told me no matter what you said, your body told me more. It told me that…, I don’t know…, protected me, enclosed me, and it was telling me you were a safe harbor to dock in.”

“It’s still…that way Jare, I only want...the best….” Jensen replied, but once more, he was cut off by Jared.

“I’m not finished, dammit, I know how I feel, but when I go to put it into words, I’m…I get…lost…” Jared stammered.

“I want, I need…” Jared’s voice trailed off, he looked away trying not to sound overly embarrassed.

“What? What is it that has you so wound up like this Jared? Tell me please? For the life of me, I don’t know. “ Jensen said, placing his thumb and forefinger at the bridge of this nose and rubbing it to an attempt to calm his nerves.  
Jared’s eyes become red with tears and threatening to fall. Jensen shifting, says, “Babe, don’t cry, there cant be anything you would say that’s gonna make love you any less.” Jensen clenching his jaw after he confessed to Jared. Jensen continued his movement in shifting his weight between his legs, waiting for Jared to come clean on what’s been mothering him lately. It’s been driving Jensen nuts. Jared’s voice brings Jensen back to their conversation.

“Can we, or can’t we switch up the roles in the bedroom? I want to make love to you, completely and unequivocally. I want to know what it’s like to…uh…fill you up.” Jared looked down to the floor as he finished the last sentence so he wouldn’t have to see the look on Jensen’s face.


	5. Why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuing from Jared's plea of doing things a little differently, somethings take Jensen by surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry so much had happened in getting this update out. Originally queued for last night, I don't know what happened. Please enjoy. I will be looking to type in the rest. 
> 
> P.S. I am looking at two additional timestamps!

“I, just…don’t know…Jensen stuttered. This is all so new to me.” Jensen continued.

  
“New? To you?” Jared asked with a voice that had questioning, resentment, mocking, and hurt.  
Jared continued, “We’ve been together for months, and somehow this is “new”? Jared raised his hands to drive home his point and making the quotation marks with his fingers in the air. “C’mon, really Jen.”

  
Jared felt a rush to his head, felt and heard an all too familiar snap, he shuts his mouth, grows eerily silent, looking at Jensen, admiring his beauty, and then, nothing. His darkness engulfing him, whispering silent comforts only Jared's unconscious mind can understand.

  
Jensen wasn’t sure what caught his attention first. Jared’s blank stare, or his buckling, but Jensen manages to catch Jared before he goes face first onto the floor. Jensen only took a moment to call out to his life line to come back to him.

  
“Jare!!” Jensen spoke wildly, but got nothing in return. “JARED!!!” Jensen screamed this time, thinking that his screams would cut through the black void that took Jared from consciousness, just a moment ago.

The weight of Jared bearing on his body, and unconsciousness weighing on his soul, Jensen attempts to control what’s happening in front of his eyes. Failing miserably, Jensen manages to hold on to Jared while he was falling. Jensen maneuvered himself to take the brunt of it, but, cradling Jared’s head from hitting it on the floor. “Baby, please, what’s wrong?!” Jensen pleaded, continuing his verbal prayer assault. Jensen and Jared land on their sides, thanks to Jensen’s quick thinking and maneuvering, with Jensen’s “UGH!” and Jared’s thud  
  
  
Jensen watching Jared faint, along with all that transpired from the phone calls, racing over to talk him, felt like his limbs, fingers, and voice were foreign objects to him. His fingers were toys he once loved, but doesn’t use anymore, to his limbs going numb from his position on the floor. His voice pleading to the sleeping angel in his lap sounded almost too far away and not his own. _Can I do this_? Jensen thought to himself, closing his eyes to hold back the tears threatening to fall.  
Jensen continued his mental wake up call to himself, but forced himself to open his eyes and look at the gorgeous man lying in his arms. Jensen mentally praying, and wishing to the silent gods, goddesses, or whoever answered silent prayers to, so Jared could wake up.

  
“Jar-please, buddy, sweetheart, please…” Jensen pleaded to Jared, slightly moving his knees to offer a type of shake to wake him up.

  
Jensen checked Jared’s breathing by bringing his upper body as close to his eyes as he could, and moving Jared’s head closer to his ears to listen. Jensen also watched as if by instinct to look at Jared’s stomach for the rise and fall in a sort of normal rhythm.  
Jensen in all the chaos, hadn’t realized the erratic rhythm of his own breathing until he released a ragged stuttering breath of his own. _If I don’t watch what I’m doing, there’s gonna be two people passed out on the floor_. Jensen reminded himself, and in doing so, helped him calm himself so he could return his attention back to Jared. His attention shifting, his breathing calming down, Jensen still racing his eyes around Jared's body, and not finding any physical reasons why Jared tumbled. 

Jensen brought his hands to feel Jared's chest, lightly probing, lightly scratching at the thin fabric of Jared's shirt, and trying to shake him awake.  _Come back to me, I...I...I, Jare I cant and wont_...Jensen thought feverishly. Movement brought Jensen out of his thoughts, and looking at Jared, Jensen noticed a slight jerking from him. Jared's eyes fluttered open, and slowly coming into focus on Jensen's distraught face.

"Oh, oh, Jare!! I will let you, I will let you, you're back, I was scared, I was...." All of Jensen's thoughts came rushing out at once, while frantically looking Jared over, not believing for the moment that Jared was truly awake. Jensen placed a butterfly kiss to Jared's nose, raw emotion conveyed in his every word; "Jare, you're" Jensen licks his dry lips as he speaks, "back." Jensen continues his assault of Jared's lips with light swift caresses after each word, "I", swift whisper kiss, "was" another moment of a kiss stolen from Jared's lips, "so", Jensen moves his hand to place a flyaway piece of hair, "scared", and yet another command of a feather light kiss comes to Jared. 

Jared, slowly coming back to his various senses, enjoyed this onslaught of powder soft kisses from Jensen and started to reciprocate. It was as if Jared and Jensen were reliving their first night being able to enjoy the defines of each other. Kissing each place that was once off limits. Jared and Jensen exploring each others' unknown territory and the map burned long before.

Jared finding his voice as Jensen begins to slow the barge of kisses from Jensen, "Uh, Jen, why are you..." Questioning can be found in his voice.

 

"Please, Jared, are you ok? Can I get you...?" Searching Jared's face for some type of explanation.

 

Wriggling his way out of Jensen's hold, and crawling his way to the over-sized chair, as if nothing happened, "I'm fine." 

 

"Thats one hell of a tumble, to say 'I'm fine', Jensen snapped sounding more abrupt than he wanted to. Realizing how harsh his words sounded, Jensen quickly added, "You really scared the shit out of me. I've never seen you go out like that. And your eyes....they...just..." Jensen couldn't finish his sentence, reliving what could only be described as his worst fear, stealing his voice and instantly Jensen's throat was dry and scratchy. Jensen seemed to get lost in his own mind, looking, searching for a way to make that horrid reality go away forever. Jensen started to speak, opened his mouth, his lips moving, but without sound.

 

Jared picked up on Jensen's inability to speak at the moment and offered; "My eyes?" Jared asked, though not really sure he wanted to know and wasn't certainly ready for the answer Jensen gave him.

 

"It was like, I, I don't," Jensen started, voice grabbing, breath catching, and bottom lip quivering, "like you died." At the last word he spoke, Jensen couldn't keep in the anguish his body, his mind, and his heart held any longer. The tears fell. There wasn't anything Jensen could do to stop them. It was horrible to even think coherently at the thought of living in a world without Jared, he couldn't do it, Jensen wouldn't do it.

 

Feeling a little more back to himself, Jared said, "Hey, Jen, I'm here," trying to keep a reassuring tone, "I'm not going anywhere." Jared sounded so small, but Jensen only heard Jared say, 'anywhere'. Jensen looking down, feeling his tears fall, whispers, "Yeah."

 

"Jare, what the hell happened? One minute you're talking, hell, arguing, next, I'm catching you, and we go down. I couldn't wake you up for shit." Jensen demanded, though this time not with anger or bewilderment, his words being said with a hint of fear, his previous fears coming back at him, and uncertain as tomorrow's weather. Jared sensed Jensen's fear and offered to calm him down, though he had no answers to offer his partner that could calm his torment.

 

"Jen, I can't tell you, I really don't know, I don't remember." Jared soothed his words out, playing on a melody chord only Jensen can hear. Jared moved off the floor, once he knew his legs could carry him the few feet from the living room into the kitchen. Leaning his hands on the center island looking down at his hands, eyes traveling to the ever-fading tan line where his wedding band used to be. Closing his eyes, taking in a breath, Jared tells himself mentally, _It's now or never dude_.

"Hey Jen, what I want, is that hurting anyone???"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come and looking to add as the chapters are finished being typed. (The way I'm doing it now is time consuming, and I really do appreciate your patience)


	6. INTERMISSION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A heads up on whats going on

I wanted to take a moment and let you all know that I haven't given up on my story. Jensen and Jared are too special, and their story is too intimate not to tell. I have had some extremely bad personal issues at the moment, and I hoping to get back on track by posting again shortly. Looking to have another update in the next 2-4 weeks. I know that is an eternity in the fan fic fandom, but I am trying to crawl out my hole that I've been in. 

This community has been amazing and I am hoping to restore your faith in me. Thank you, have fun, and hope you all have been well.


	7. Things change, sometimes not for the best

Jensen heard the question, but couldn't respond. After watching what happened unfold, the last thing on Jensen's mind was the bedroom.  _Where did this come from? Why did that happen?_ Jensen thought to himself. He must have taken too long to answer Jared, because the next thing he realized was a breeze brush by his side. Jensen turned to look in the kitchen where he'd seen Jared, he found Jared gone. A strained sob in the entry hallway turned Jensen's head. Looking toward the front door, Jensen saw Jared's frame pulling on the door, opening it.

 

"Jay, what are you doing? Where are you going?" Jensen asked perplexed. He watched Jared's strained movements, how slow, and almost pained they were. 

 

"I'm not, you are, you need to go Jensen." Jared's voice slightly above a whisper. 

 

"I'm not going anywhere Jared, you are out of it, you don't know what you're doing, what you're say...." Jensen replied but cutoff by Jared's sudden response.

 

"I know EXACTLY what I'm doing, you think you can come in here and boss me around, make me do what you want? I am a fucking grown man who doesn't need people telling him what to do like some child." Jared practically hissed at Jensen. Jensen in all the years that he'd known Jared, he never heard Jared speak like that to anyone, especially him.

 

"Jared..." Jensen started to say, feeling as if Jared physically punched the air out of him, "What is going on? You are NEVER like this, you aren't this type of person."

 

"Then, who am I? What type of person are you referring to? The person I am right now is someone who needs to be alone. I really don't want to look at you right now. I suggest you leave before I say something I regret, and wont be able to take it back, so just go."   

"Jared..." Jensen started again, he wouldn't give up that easy, he needed to get to the bottom of whatever was happening to Jared. After everything the two of them had been through, he wanted to give Jared the help he needs. For the first time since being together, Jensen is frightened that he's losing Jared, and he's standing right in front of him.

 

"I SAID GO!" Jared screamed. The wail of his voice sent Jensen to step back as if he had been burned. Jensen didnt want to leave Jared like this, but as each moment passed, Jared became more and more enraged. Jensen thought to himself for a moment, that it may be a good idea to just let Jared have his space. As much as Jensen wanted to give into his gut instincts, he started for the door. Each and every muscle inside of Jensen was screaming at him to stay, and fuck whatever Jared wanted. The only thing overriding that emotion was neither Jensen or Jared ever overstepped the other boundaries when one of them needed space. On set, it always someone needing one or both of them to get something done for the show; interviews, talking with different cast members of a particular episode, or even stunt coordinators. So both respected when the other needed some alone time to recharge. 

 

"I don't really want to leave you like this, but I dont want you to be more upset than you already are. You need to talk to someone, even if it isnt....me" Jensen's voice breaking at his last word. The door was suddenly open and Jensen attempted one last look at Jared. Seeing that Jared was standing there looking like he didn't care about anything Jensen said to him, almost stopped his heart. Unwilling to show how much Jared had hurt him, Jensen squared his shoulders, without looking back, he left.

 

The door seemed to close without even a moments hesitation. Somehow this seemed so much like a funeral. In many instances when Jensen looked back, it was. Nothing scared Jensen like losing Jared, and when Jensen thought back to what has just happened, something changed between them. Jensen wasn't sure if it meant the change meant getting through to Jared, or having to go through life without him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments, I'd love to know your feedback. Stay tuned for additional chapters


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